[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
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You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.