Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
You Might Also Like
Sniffing the broccoli
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
That stupid look on my face, is my face
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?