Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
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A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed