When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
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Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Morning my dudes.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that鈥檚 where they live.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Duck typos.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I 鉂わ笍 murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 馃敨 everyone
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
My daughter gets all bossy when we鈥檙e playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she鈥檚 at school I play with them the way I want.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
I know karate and tons of other words.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Ok, but like, how married are you?