Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
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My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Effort made
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
Not even remotely sorry.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?