RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
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I swear some people should be banned from cooking
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*