Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
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[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
My therapist after every session
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
I don’t know what to do
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory