[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
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Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.