Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
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I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Name another movie that mislead you?
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore