“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
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Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?