imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
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*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.