I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
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There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Got ya covered
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
After 35, your body ages in dog years
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies