When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
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ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
San Francisco has too many rules
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No