After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
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I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.