I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
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Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up