Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
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[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue