Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
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Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Our lord and savoury.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket