Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
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Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?