In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
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Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor