[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
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A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Best mom ever 😂
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.