Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
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not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.