tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
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He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I’m sure it’s fine.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now