Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
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Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Very good! 👍😂