[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
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media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
what?
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.