Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
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[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
[on my way back to the posting caves]
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away