If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
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me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Pat is about to own someone
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
oh u like geography? name every lake
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Finally, an explanation.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?