Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
You Might Also Like
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile