cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
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When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
So inspired right now.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.