There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
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karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
asking santa clause for nudes
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)