To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
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me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.