centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
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(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
So we got a goldfish…
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
No. YOU-buprofen.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.