Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
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me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers