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Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.