*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Customer is always right
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again