My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
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Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
this makes me so uncomfortable
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
The prophecy is fulfilled