Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
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Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Not all heroes wear capes…
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.