Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
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Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
The monocle was popular in the 1800鈥檚 because ears hadn鈥檛 been invented yet.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 馃槈
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
When I die, I鈥檓 donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they鈥檒l use it as Bigfoot bait.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn鈥檛 get that Uber driver.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Me: I鈥檒l take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that鈥檚 not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they鈥檙e growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does