When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
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Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.