My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
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Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.