Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
You Might Also Like
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in