I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
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Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Discuss
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice