I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
You Might Also Like
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Harsh but fair
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost