#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
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Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids