me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
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If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
Best spot.. 😅
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting