Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
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Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
cats when you pet them too long:
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table