You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 馃挭
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Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they鈥檙e great
If you鈥檙e bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it鈥檚 39 million more years of moss
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I can鈥檛 get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please