The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
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One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze