I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
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[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.