Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
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My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
me before I type out affect or effect
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point