Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
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My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
How did we not see this back then?
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much